Gratitude

When I graduated last summer from City Lit I set myself some goals and targets and made some promises to myself about how my acting would progress in the short term.

I said that I would, within one year, have acted in straight drama and a musical on stage, done some student films, short films and at least one feature and that I would have an agent who I respected and who understood me and where I was coming from and also how to market me.

I also said that I would have weekly acting lessons, join a yoga class, run at least 4 miles a day and get myself a decent singing tutor too. Well I've done yoga twice in the last year, run a total of 17.3 miles as of yesterday and had some fantastic lessons with Kate Hughes at the Ian Adam Singing Studio. As for the rest, well as much as I would have loved to have had weekly acting classes it's time for that old excuse of Poverty to come to the fore and claim another victim.

As for credits earned though, I've done stage musicals and straight drama, even on tour in Hungary. And I've amassed a number of film credits, student, short, and two feature films with a third and forth to follow hopefully within the next six months. And yet I feel that I'm not working hard enough, that I'm not achieving what it is I want, or need, to achieve. All this is with a great agent who I genuinely like and respect too.

I suppose the biggest issue for me in this my first year out in the world, is how to stay motivated. I had thought that I would, from 10 - 4 every day be going over audition speeches, doing voice exercises, stretching, reading plays, writing letters to casting directors and generally promoting myself but instead of those lofty ideals I find myself more often than not, wishing I was back at class with the people I grew to know well and to love and to trust. Those people who you share laughter and tears with. The same ones who lift you up and inspire you and also at times infuriate the Hell out of you and make you want to punch someone.

The support structure that you have in a class setting where you spend hours with the same people week in week out is something that I think a lot of people miss when it's not there. I know I do. Of course you get something similar to that in a rehearsal room or on set but it's not the same and let's not kid ourselves that it is. I don't think it's that everyone's out for themselves on set, in fact I know that's not the case, but it's not possible to walk onto a set and immediately forge an emotional connection as deep and as meaningful as it would be with someone who has seen you weep as you reveal how painful experiences in your life have been, how raw some things still are after years, decades even.

I suppose, as much as I love the guys I've been lucky to work with this year from those in Follies who persuaded me I could in fact sing, to those involved with the Overcoat, especially the director, who pushed me to new levels of emotional truth and to all those who've given me the chance to learn and to grow in front of a camera, especially Survivor Films for seeing in me the capacity to play a lead role and for giving me the space to truly play that role. In front of the camera. Discovering things about myself and my character. I miss those I trained with. I miss the frustration and the camaraderie. I miss the annoying little habits and I miss the annoying big ones too!

I don't want to dwell on the past however, that's not my intention here. Far from it in fact. What I wanted to do was to say a big Thank You. A heartfelt, gratitude laden, genuine Thank You to the people I trained with. All of them. Including you Patrick! Collectively you pushed me. You gave me a safe space to start to explore Me and I don't think I ever said how grateful I was until now.

So thank you one and all. Thank you all of you teachers who've confused and frustrated me and pushed me to be who I am today. Thank you to the students I shared the ride with. Thank you to the people who've cast me in productions this last year and thank you to my friends and family for their unceasing support. I am grateful to you all. More than you can ever know.

Procrastination

Honestly, if procrastination was an Olympic sport I'd be a sure thing to win gold at 2012.

I'm sure you all know the situation. I've got lines to learn, and others to refresh, and what am I doing? Well suffice to say the kitchen's not been so clean in years, the cats are both nicely groomed and content after being bathed (yes bathed) dried and groomed, and I can confidently inform you all that the macaroons from the Covent Garden branch of Laduree are literally divine.

After my four and a bit mile run this morning I popped into Laduree to pick myself up a little treat and the woman behind the counter greeted me with a smile and said, "Bonjour Monsieur! Do you know we 'av only been open for, erm, quatre days and you 'ave been in every single one so 'av a macaroon on ze huis!"

I'm not quite sure where she originally came from but I'm guessing it's not Essex.

Moving on, I'm sitting here with a screenplay open, and I have an odd way of learning lines. Simple repetition doesn't do it for me unless it's a monologue. I wish it did. It would be simpler that what I have to do instead. For I have to retype the entire script out with all the other character dialogue on the right hand side of the page and mine on the left. Honestly I've no idea why I need to do it this way, but currently I do. So, laptop open, printer cartridges full, paper loaded, coffee made, cats asleep I open up a New Document page in Open Office... and I type... a whole line. Not even mine but a whole line nevertheless. And then the phone rings.

"Hello mum"
"Oh hello...."
"What do you mean 'Oh hello'? You dialled me!"
"Oh yes.. well I... oh never mind...How did your audition go at the weekend?"
"That one in Cambridge?"
"Yes that's the one, we're looking forward to having a trip out to see you somewhere nice like that, and in a proper play at last.."
"A 'proper play'? So those Shakespeare and Ibsen ones you came to see weren't 'proper'?"
"You know what I mean. In a proper theatre. With a box office..."

and so that conversation went on for about 20 more minutes. After which I obviously needed a little pick-me-up so I decided to pop to Laduree and grab a little macaroon... I didn't even get there because I bumped into an old friend, someone I trained with, who was on his way to meet an agent who I know socially. He suggests I come along to say Hi, which I do. Anyway, 2 hours after popping out to grab a little something as a pick me up I'm back home. Looking at the same document open on my laptop. The same one line glaring out from the screen and the same 142 pages of screenplay to go through.... and then my inbox pings and I've got email... I click on it and it's someone asking me to contribute to her new blog... Just random thoughts and stuff about being an actor in London just starting out etc... I make like the man from Del Monte and say Yes and then start thinking. Hold on, I thought, I used to make a living out of writing random stuff so why not do it again? And if I was going to do it, then why not put it on my own blog instead of giving it to someone else to use?

Great! I'll write a blog! Now, if only I knew how to go about hosting one... do I want to be "Anon" so I can be brutally honest, or will I put my name to it? I decided to go semi-anon as I've posted the blog address on Twitter and Facebook so it's not exactly hard to find out who I am.... Of course I will reveal more as I reveal more about the life of the man behind the actor's mask... Now I really ought to get on with some work.. oh hold on, Deal or No Deal's on!

Welcome to the Actorvist

This is my very first blog and my very first post within it so I'll introduce myself.

I'm an actor. Note the absence of a capital A in that word please. It means a lot to me that I am an actor and not an Actor. I'm young in mind, eager to learn and eager to share my experiences of the audition trail, the endless networking, the plethora of decent scripts that never seem to hit my desk after standing by and letting the rubbish ones through, and the ups and downs, the highs and the lows, the laughs and the inevitable tears that being at the foothills of this business bring.

I'll be honest. I'll not tell tales. And I trust you will enjoy my rambling thoughts as they unfold.