Things are afoot in the land of Actorvist

As some of you, primarily those of you who follow me on Twitter, already know I've not been my usual self recently. I've been battling with a long drawn out period of depression which is somewhat at odds with my creative urges.

The depression not withstanding I've appeared in two plays this year and played a part in two feature films, one a very large budget, high profile franchise and the other a much more modest affair. I've also been thinking about writing a couple of ideas that have been bubbling away in my head for a while.

Well, whilst I've been doing all the above I've resorted to comfort eating.

My depression, when it descends upon me, makes me switch off from delicate little pleasures that one often can find in subtle flavoured foods and seek solace in the huge highs of sugary, or overly spicy, or savory foods. It's like my brain cries out for some kind of stimulation whereas my body needs no energy as I'm not really able to do anything but just function.

So, as I have been known to consume a whole M&S cheesecake in one sitting at times over these past six months I've inevitably put on a few extra pounds. Pounds that I am now determined to drop.

I know that this is nothing to do with acting per se but it is to do with this actor and as such I think it's important to share the highs and lows on here with you all. I stress that I am not looking for sympathy. If anything that would be counter productive, but I ask for your understanding if I am quiet at times, seemingly withdrawn perhaps. Trust me when I say my mind is working overtime analysing the minutia of what's going on around me and probably, misguidedly I admit, leaping to conclusions about who it impacts me.

Depression is not something I would ever trade in for anything else. It's a part of me and it is one I value. Usually it means that something I am doing is not in my best interests even though it seems like it is. It's a yardstick if you like. One to measure my own progress through Life against. OK so it can derail me from time to time but it is valuable and it does give me insight. The slow discovery of what is fundamentally against my own self interest, be it professionally or personally, might well take months but discover it I inevitably do. And this time it's taken almost a year I think but I have slowly had the realisation dawn on me that I am not supporting my acting endeavors to the best of my ability.

I have been guilty of allowing myself to become distracted by ephemera. By the idea of chasing Twitter followers perhaps, of thinking that if only that specific person came on board that specific project that I am involved with then I would suddenly be catapulted into the limelight. I've come to realise and to accept that the person responsible for how my career progresses is me. Just me. It's me that decides what roles to take. It's me that decides if I am prepared to work for nothing other than vague promises of future roles. It's me that has to schedule my time to allow further study and growth. Me. Nobody else. It is also a relatively recent discovery that it is only me that I have to satisfy. I don't have to fret about when I will perform in a "proper theatre" as my parents ask on a weekly basis. Nor do I have to worry about when my name will be above the title of a movie poster on huge billboards.

This is not a sprint. I may well be 45 years old but the time I spent as an economist before becoming an actor is not an impediment that has to be fought against. If anything it's a strength. I do not have to race to being acclaimed a rising star or anything of the sort. All I need to do is to continue to train, continue to stretch myself and above all else continue to remember that I love this business. I love the doubts and fears on stage. I love the camaraderie on a film set. The pressure of the rehearsal room. The tick, tick, tick on a film set when the light is fading and the DoP really doesn't have time to reset the lights to give more time to get the shot before the day wraps. I love it all.

Accepting that I do, and that that really is enough seems to quieten the voice that psychologists call the "Critical Parent" that lies within me as it does with in us all. That voice that says you're not working hard enough. Or suggests that if you haven't written your long awaited screenplay by now you never will. Or calls you fat. Well frankly that voice can go take a long walk off a short pier. I enjoy acting. I enjoy writing. And that's enough.

I know I'm rambling here (as I always do I hear you say!) and I want to wrap up soon so all I will say is that I am lucky. I know I am. I'm lucky enough to have had a greatly rewarding career before I turned to acting and I'm luckier still to have found a second one to follow. I have a great support network of family and friends. The person who hasn't been 100% supportive of me has recently been me. And that has now changed so be prepared to see a change in the me that you meet. I have silenced my own critical parent.

Onwards and upwards! And always, always, remembering how lucky I am.

I forgot to say how helpful one little book has been. And that book is this one... Sunbathing in the Rain by Gwyneth Lewis. It's a remarkable telling of her own journey through depression and out the other side.

The Importance of Art

I've been asked once or twice to address this mammoth topic so here goes. Art is important because it reflects life. All life.

There. That's it. In a nutshell that's why Art is important. And I do mean all art. From the beautifully designed and made greetings cards available in the shops to the prints of workmen high on a steel girder in New York available in IKEA, to the cutting edge of theatre via the most mainstream of cinema releases. And in a whole lot of other places I can't even begin to list here for fear of turning this post into a list of places that I can't list.

Personally speaking Art, and the creative industries as a whole, have provided me with escape and allowed me to walk a mile in the shoes of people who I don't know. Hell it's even done that in regard to animals too as I recall feeling every moment of Joey's life played out on stage in War Horse at the National Theatre.

Be it in book form, theatre, cinema or painting I can testify to being personally moved by the experience of seeing something that has sprung from the imagination of another. In fact at my lowest ever ebb I found myself in the National Gallery sitting in awe in front of the Leonardo Cartoon for about two hours. Utterly transfixed. Still, if I'm having a tough time of things emotionally I can often be found sitting in the little darkened room that contains, what I regard, as the highlight of the national collection.

This picture, officially known as the Burlington House Cartoon, but more usually referred to as the Leonardo Cartoon, never fails to move me when I see it. It's unfinished but still it has a perfection in its unfinished state that is beautiful. I know nothing about painting or drawing beyond a very basic understanding of the "magic triangle" but when I see this drawing I know the effect it has on me. It makes my heart soar. It lifts my spirits and it humbles me at the same time.

Being someone who experiences bouts of depression and anxiety at times, finding things, places, people, books, pictures etc, that can remind me of the beauty of Life and of the innate ability of Man to create is phenomenally important. It can't be stressed enough how much I owe to this particular picture.

Many years ago I was feeling so low I would rather have embraced death than faced life. I felt that I couldn't achieve anything of value and that whatever I attempted I would never be able to finish. Then I walked into the National Gallery and found this picture.

It resides behind glass in a little room all by itself near the top of the stairs in the Sainsbury Wing of the gallery. The room is dimly lit. One door in, one door out. One piece of art softly lit so as to accent the fine lines and shading drawn by a master of his craft. And it's not finished. Yet it's perfect. Feet and hands remain nothing other than crude outlines no better than that I could sketch now with a biro and the back of a shopping list. The faces however, and the folds of cloth are phenomenal. The serenity of the faces, the weight of the cloth as it drapes over the bodies. I cannot stress enough how much this picture, in all of its incompleteness, is to me perfect. And it has something intrinsic to it that reproductions of it don't have. It has soul.

Over the years I have toyed with the idea of buying a reproduction, perhaps in the form of a fridge magnet or even possibly a full sized authorised copy where even the paper it's produced on is a perfect copy of the original. Each time I've thought about buying one and hanging it in my home, somewhere I can see it every day, I've shied away after coming to the conclusion that a copy isn't good enough. So I keep my special picture in the National Gallery and if I need to see it then I walk ten minutes down the road and gaze upon it for as long as I need. For no charge.

I know art is a subjective matter, it can't be anything but, however it does surprise me when I sit absorbed in the Leonardo perhaps, or sitting in an auditorium watching a play, how different people are impacted in different ways by the same thing. At the National Gallery I see many people glance at paintings and obviously not "get" them. The same way as when everyone else around you in a theatre is killing themselves with laughter whilst you would really rather kill yourself rather than have to endure more of this particular theatrical torture. The reverse is also true of course and I'm as guilty of loving plays and films that almost everyone else regards as being pure trash. But I don't care. If it moves me, if it entertains me, even better if it challenges me whilst entertaining and moving me, then it's Art. And Art is good.

Topics for discussion

As some of you may well be aware I've been somewhat lax in keeping this blog up to date with new, pithy, insightful comments. Well that will now change.

I've asked on Twitter and will ask again here for what it is you want me to cover about the world of acting.

So far I've been asked to discuss why it is that Art is important and also how to create a firm sense of place when you're on stage or in the audition room.

I was debating going in to detail about recent productions I've seen and what works, and what doesn't, and thought that might just become a rehash of the reviews I write for Remote Goat and also now for Bargain Theatre so came to the conclusion that doing that wouldn't make for good reading. So, I think, to mark my return to the bloggersphere I will tackle the big one. Why is Art important?

But I'm not going to tackle it right away because I'm hungry and it's lunchtime. So this post serves as an introduction to what will follow... and also as a question about things you'd like to see me tackle. Let your minds run free. Mine frequently does, hence the three pages of a one man show about a gay vampire that are currently sitting on my desktop asking for attention... More about that later I think. Until then, happy lunchtime!