Things are afoot in the land of Actorvist

As some of you, primarily those of you who follow me on Twitter, already know I've not been my usual self recently. I've been battling with a long drawn out period of depression which is somewhat at odds with my creative urges.

The depression not withstanding I've appeared in two plays this year and played a part in two feature films, one a very large budget, high profile franchise and the other a much more modest affair. I've also been thinking about writing a couple of ideas that have been bubbling away in my head for a while.

Well, whilst I've been doing all the above I've resorted to comfort eating.

My depression, when it descends upon me, makes me switch off from delicate little pleasures that one often can find in subtle flavoured foods and seek solace in the huge highs of sugary, or overly spicy, or savory foods. It's like my brain cries out for some kind of stimulation whereas my body needs no energy as I'm not really able to do anything but just function.

So, as I have been known to consume a whole M&S cheesecake in one sitting at times over these past six months I've inevitably put on a few extra pounds. Pounds that I am now determined to drop.

I know that this is nothing to do with acting per se but it is to do with this actor and as such I think it's important to share the highs and lows on here with you all. I stress that I am not looking for sympathy. If anything that would be counter productive, but I ask for your understanding if I am quiet at times, seemingly withdrawn perhaps. Trust me when I say my mind is working overtime analysing the minutia of what's going on around me and probably, misguidedly I admit, leaping to conclusions about who it impacts me.

Depression is not something I would ever trade in for anything else. It's a part of me and it is one I value. Usually it means that something I am doing is not in my best interests even though it seems like it is. It's a yardstick if you like. One to measure my own progress through Life against. OK so it can derail me from time to time but it is valuable and it does give me insight. The slow discovery of what is fundamentally against my own self interest, be it professionally or personally, might well take months but discover it I inevitably do. And this time it's taken almost a year I think but I have slowly had the realisation dawn on me that I am not supporting my acting endeavors to the best of my ability.

I have been guilty of allowing myself to become distracted by ephemera. By the idea of chasing Twitter followers perhaps, of thinking that if only that specific person came on board that specific project that I am involved with then I would suddenly be catapulted into the limelight. I've come to realise and to accept that the person responsible for how my career progresses is me. Just me. It's me that decides what roles to take. It's me that decides if I am prepared to work for nothing other than vague promises of future roles. It's me that has to schedule my time to allow further study and growth. Me. Nobody else. It is also a relatively recent discovery that it is only me that I have to satisfy. I don't have to fret about when I will perform in a "proper theatre" as my parents ask on a weekly basis. Nor do I have to worry about when my name will be above the title of a movie poster on huge billboards.

This is not a sprint. I may well be 45 years old but the time I spent as an economist before becoming an actor is not an impediment that has to be fought against. If anything it's a strength. I do not have to race to being acclaimed a rising star or anything of the sort. All I need to do is to continue to train, continue to stretch myself and above all else continue to remember that I love this business. I love the doubts and fears on stage. I love the camaraderie on a film set. The pressure of the rehearsal room. The tick, tick, tick on a film set when the light is fading and the DoP really doesn't have time to reset the lights to give more time to get the shot before the day wraps. I love it all.

Accepting that I do, and that that really is enough seems to quieten the voice that psychologists call the "Critical Parent" that lies within me as it does with in us all. That voice that says you're not working hard enough. Or suggests that if you haven't written your long awaited screenplay by now you never will. Or calls you fat. Well frankly that voice can go take a long walk off a short pier. I enjoy acting. I enjoy writing. And that's enough.

I know I'm rambling here (as I always do I hear you say!) and I want to wrap up soon so all I will say is that I am lucky. I know I am. I'm lucky enough to have had a greatly rewarding career before I turned to acting and I'm luckier still to have found a second one to follow. I have a great support network of family and friends. The person who hasn't been 100% supportive of me has recently been me. And that has now changed so be prepared to see a change in the me that you meet. I have silenced my own critical parent.

Onwards and upwards! And always, always, remembering how lucky I am.

I forgot to say how helpful one little book has been. And that book is this one... Sunbathing in the Rain by Gwyneth Lewis. It's a remarkable telling of her own journey through depression and out the other side.

Topics for discussion

As some of you may well be aware I've been somewhat lax in keeping this blog up to date with new, pithy, insightful comments. Well that will now change.

I've asked on Twitter and will ask again here for what it is you want me to cover about the world of acting.

So far I've been asked to discuss why it is that Art is important and also how to create a firm sense of place when you're on stage or in the audition room.

I was debating going in to detail about recent productions I've seen and what works, and what doesn't, and thought that might just become a rehash of the reviews I write for Remote Goat and also now for Bargain Theatre so came to the conclusion that doing that wouldn't make for good reading. So, I think, to mark my return to the bloggersphere I will tackle the big one. Why is Art important?

But I'm not going to tackle it right away because I'm hungry and it's lunchtime. So this post serves as an introduction to what will follow... and also as a question about things you'd like to see me tackle. Let your minds run free. Mine frequently does, hence the three pages of a one man show about a gay vampire that are currently sitting on my desktop asking for attention... More about that later I think. Until then, happy lunchtime!

Procrastination

Honestly, if procrastination was an Olympic sport I'd be a sure thing to win gold at 2012.

I'm sure you all know the situation. I've got lines to learn, and others to refresh, and what am I doing? Well suffice to say the kitchen's not been so clean in years, the cats are both nicely groomed and content after being bathed (yes bathed) dried and groomed, and I can confidently inform you all that the macaroons from the Covent Garden branch of Laduree are literally divine.

After my four and a bit mile run this morning I popped into Laduree to pick myself up a little treat and the woman behind the counter greeted me with a smile and said, "Bonjour Monsieur! Do you know we 'av only been open for, erm, quatre days and you 'ave been in every single one so 'av a macaroon on ze huis!"

I'm not quite sure where she originally came from but I'm guessing it's not Essex.

Moving on, I'm sitting here with a screenplay open, and I have an odd way of learning lines. Simple repetition doesn't do it for me unless it's a monologue. I wish it did. It would be simpler that what I have to do instead. For I have to retype the entire script out with all the other character dialogue on the right hand side of the page and mine on the left. Honestly I've no idea why I need to do it this way, but currently I do. So, laptop open, printer cartridges full, paper loaded, coffee made, cats asleep I open up a New Document page in Open Office... and I type... a whole line. Not even mine but a whole line nevertheless. And then the phone rings.

"Hello mum"
"Oh hello...."
"What do you mean 'Oh hello'? You dialled me!"
"Oh yes.. well I... oh never mind...How did your audition go at the weekend?"
"That one in Cambridge?"
"Yes that's the one, we're looking forward to having a trip out to see you somewhere nice like that, and in a proper play at last.."
"A 'proper play'? So those Shakespeare and Ibsen ones you came to see weren't 'proper'?"
"You know what I mean. In a proper theatre. With a box office..."

and so that conversation went on for about 20 more minutes. After which I obviously needed a little pick-me-up so I decided to pop to Laduree and grab a little macaroon... I didn't even get there because I bumped into an old friend, someone I trained with, who was on his way to meet an agent who I know socially. He suggests I come along to say Hi, which I do. Anyway, 2 hours after popping out to grab a little something as a pick me up I'm back home. Looking at the same document open on my laptop. The same one line glaring out from the screen and the same 142 pages of screenplay to go through.... and then my inbox pings and I've got email... I click on it and it's someone asking me to contribute to her new blog... Just random thoughts and stuff about being an actor in London just starting out etc... I make like the man from Del Monte and say Yes and then start thinking. Hold on, I thought, I used to make a living out of writing random stuff so why not do it again? And if I was going to do it, then why not put it on my own blog instead of giving it to someone else to use?

Great! I'll write a blog! Now, if only I knew how to go about hosting one... do I want to be "Anon" so I can be brutally honest, or will I put my name to it? I decided to go semi-anon as I've posted the blog address on Twitter and Facebook so it's not exactly hard to find out who I am.... Of course I will reveal more as I reveal more about the life of the man behind the actor's mask... Now I really ought to get on with some work.. oh hold on, Deal or No Deal's on!