Things are afoot in the land of Actorvist

As some of you, primarily those of you who follow me on Twitter, already know I've not been my usual self recently. I've been battling with a long drawn out period of depression which is somewhat at odds with my creative urges.

The depression not withstanding I've appeared in two plays this year and played a part in two feature films, one a very large budget, high profile franchise and the other a much more modest affair. I've also been thinking about writing a couple of ideas that have been bubbling away in my head for a while.

Well, whilst I've been doing all the above I've resorted to comfort eating.

My depression, when it descends upon me, makes me switch off from delicate little pleasures that one often can find in subtle flavoured foods and seek solace in the huge highs of sugary, or overly spicy, or savory foods. It's like my brain cries out for some kind of stimulation whereas my body needs no energy as I'm not really able to do anything but just function.

So, as I have been known to consume a whole M&S cheesecake in one sitting at times over these past six months I've inevitably put on a few extra pounds. Pounds that I am now determined to drop.

I know that this is nothing to do with acting per se but it is to do with this actor and as such I think it's important to share the highs and lows on here with you all. I stress that I am not looking for sympathy. If anything that would be counter productive, but I ask for your understanding if I am quiet at times, seemingly withdrawn perhaps. Trust me when I say my mind is working overtime analysing the minutia of what's going on around me and probably, misguidedly I admit, leaping to conclusions about who it impacts me.

Depression is not something I would ever trade in for anything else. It's a part of me and it is one I value. Usually it means that something I am doing is not in my best interests even though it seems like it is. It's a yardstick if you like. One to measure my own progress through Life against. OK so it can derail me from time to time but it is valuable and it does give me insight. The slow discovery of what is fundamentally against my own self interest, be it professionally or personally, might well take months but discover it I inevitably do. And this time it's taken almost a year I think but I have slowly had the realisation dawn on me that I am not supporting my acting endeavors to the best of my ability.

I have been guilty of allowing myself to become distracted by ephemera. By the idea of chasing Twitter followers perhaps, of thinking that if only that specific person came on board that specific project that I am involved with then I would suddenly be catapulted into the limelight. I've come to realise and to accept that the person responsible for how my career progresses is me. Just me. It's me that decides what roles to take. It's me that decides if I am prepared to work for nothing other than vague promises of future roles. It's me that has to schedule my time to allow further study and growth. Me. Nobody else. It is also a relatively recent discovery that it is only me that I have to satisfy. I don't have to fret about when I will perform in a "proper theatre" as my parents ask on a weekly basis. Nor do I have to worry about when my name will be above the title of a movie poster on huge billboards.

This is not a sprint. I may well be 45 years old but the time I spent as an economist before becoming an actor is not an impediment that has to be fought against. If anything it's a strength. I do not have to race to being acclaimed a rising star or anything of the sort. All I need to do is to continue to train, continue to stretch myself and above all else continue to remember that I love this business. I love the doubts and fears on stage. I love the camaraderie on a film set. The pressure of the rehearsal room. The tick, tick, tick on a film set when the light is fading and the DoP really doesn't have time to reset the lights to give more time to get the shot before the day wraps. I love it all.

Accepting that I do, and that that really is enough seems to quieten the voice that psychologists call the "Critical Parent" that lies within me as it does with in us all. That voice that says you're not working hard enough. Or suggests that if you haven't written your long awaited screenplay by now you never will. Or calls you fat. Well frankly that voice can go take a long walk off a short pier. I enjoy acting. I enjoy writing. And that's enough.

I know I'm rambling here (as I always do I hear you say!) and I want to wrap up soon so all I will say is that I am lucky. I know I am. I'm lucky enough to have had a greatly rewarding career before I turned to acting and I'm luckier still to have found a second one to follow. I have a great support network of family and friends. The person who hasn't been 100% supportive of me has recently been me. And that has now changed so be prepared to see a change in the me that you meet. I have silenced my own critical parent.

Onwards and upwards! And always, always, remembering how lucky I am.

I forgot to say how helpful one little book has been. And that book is this one... Sunbathing in the Rain by Gwyneth Lewis. It's a remarkable telling of her own journey through depression and out the other side.

Gratitude

When I graduated last summer from City Lit I set myself some goals and targets and made some promises to myself about how my acting would progress in the short term.

I said that I would, within one year, have acted in straight drama and a musical on stage, done some student films, short films and at least one feature and that I would have an agent who I respected and who understood me and where I was coming from and also how to market me.

I also said that I would have weekly acting lessons, join a yoga class, run at least 4 miles a day and get myself a decent singing tutor too. Well I've done yoga twice in the last year, run a total of 17.3 miles as of yesterday and had some fantastic lessons with Kate Hughes at the Ian Adam Singing Studio. As for the rest, well as much as I would have loved to have had weekly acting classes it's time for that old excuse of Poverty to come to the fore and claim another victim.

As for credits earned though, I've done stage musicals and straight drama, even on tour in Hungary. And I've amassed a number of film credits, student, short, and two feature films with a third and forth to follow hopefully within the next six months. And yet I feel that I'm not working hard enough, that I'm not achieving what it is I want, or need, to achieve. All this is with a great agent who I genuinely like and respect too.

I suppose the biggest issue for me in this my first year out in the world, is how to stay motivated. I had thought that I would, from 10 - 4 every day be going over audition speeches, doing voice exercises, stretching, reading plays, writing letters to casting directors and generally promoting myself but instead of those lofty ideals I find myself more often than not, wishing I was back at class with the people I grew to know well and to love and to trust. Those people who you share laughter and tears with. The same ones who lift you up and inspire you and also at times infuriate the Hell out of you and make you want to punch someone.

The support structure that you have in a class setting where you spend hours with the same people week in week out is something that I think a lot of people miss when it's not there. I know I do. Of course you get something similar to that in a rehearsal room or on set but it's not the same and let's not kid ourselves that it is. I don't think it's that everyone's out for themselves on set, in fact I know that's not the case, but it's not possible to walk onto a set and immediately forge an emotional connection as deep and as meaningful as it would be with someone who has seen you weep as you reveal how painful experiences in your life have been, how raw some things still are after years, decades even.

I suppose, as much as I love the guys I've been lucky to work with this year from those in Follies who persuaded me I could in fact sing, to those involved with the Overcoat, especially the director, who pushed me to new levels of emotional truth and to all those who've given me the chance to learn and to grow in front of a camera, especially Survivor Films for seeing in me the capacity to play a lead role and for giving me the space to truly play that role. In front of the camera. Discovering things about myself and my character. I miss those I trained with. I miss the frustration and the camaraderie. I miss the annoying little habits and I miss the annoying big ones too!

I don't want to dwell on the past however, that's not my intention here. Far from it in fact. What I wanted to do was to say a big Thank You. A heartfelt, gratitude laden, genuine Thank You to the people I trained with. All of them. Including you Patrick! Collectively you pushed me. You gave me a safe space to start to explore Me and I don't think I ever said how grateful I was until now.

So thank you one and all. Thank you all of you teachers who've confused and frustrated me and pushed me to be who I am today. Thank you to the students I shared the ride with. Thank you to the people who've cast me in productions this last year and thank you to my friends and family for their unceasing support. I am grateful to you all. More than you can ever know.