Gratitude

When I graduated last summer from City Lit I set myself some goals and targets and made some promises to myself about how my acting would progress in the short term.

I said that I would, within one year, have acted in straight drama and a musical on stage, done some student films, short films and at least one feature and that I would have an agent who I respected and who understood me and where I was coming from and also how to market me.

I also said that I would have weekly acting lessons, join a yoga class, run at least 4 miles a day and get myself a decent singing tutor too. Well I've done yoga twice in the last year, run a total of 17.3 miles as of yesterday and had some fantastic lessons with Kate Hughes at the Ian Adam Singing Studio. As for the rest, well as much as I would have loved to have had weekly acting classes it's time for that old excuse of Poverty to come to the fore and claim another victim.

As for credits earned though, I've done stage musicals and straight drama, even on tour in Hungary. And I've amassed a number of film credits, student, short, and two feature films with a third and forth to follow hopefully within the next six months. And yet I feel that I'm not working hard enough, that I'm not achieving what it is I want, or need, to achieve. All this is with a great agent who I genuinely like and respect too.

I suppose the biggest issue for me in this my first year out in the world, is how to stay motivated. I had thought that I would, from 10 - 4 every day be going over audition speeches, doing voice exercises, stretching, reading plays, writing letters to casting directors and generally promoting myself but instead of those lofty ideals I find myself more often than not, wishing I was back at class with the people I grew to know well and to love and to trust. Those people who you share laughter and tears with. The same ones who lift you up and inspire you and also at times infuriate the Hell out of you and make you want to punch someone.

The support structure that you have in a class setting where you spend hours with the same people week in week out is something that I think a lot of people miss when it's not there. I know I do. Of course you get something similar to that in a rehearsal room or on set but it's not the same and let's not kid ourselves that it is. I don't think it's that everyone's out for themselves on set, in fact I know that's not the case, but it's not possible to walk onto a set and immediately forge an emotional connection as deep and as meaningful as it would be with someone who has seen you weep as you reveal how painful experiences in your life have been, how raw some things still are after years, decades even.

I suppose, as much as I love the guys I've been lucky to work with this year from those in Follies who persuaded me I could in fact sing, to those involved with the Overcoat, especially the director, who pushed me to new levels of emotional truth and to all those who've given me the chance to learn and to grow in front of a camera, especially Survivor Films for seeing in me the capacity to play a lead role and for giving me the space to truly play that role. In front of the camera. Discovering things about myself and my character. I miss those I trained with. I miss the frustration and the camaraderie. I miss the annoying little habits and I miss the annoying big ones too!

I don't want to dwell on the past however, that's not my intention here. Far from it in fact. What I wanted to do was to say a big Thank You. A heartfelt, gratitude laden, genuine Thank You to the people I trained with. All of them. Including you Patrick! Collectively you pushed me. You gave me a safe space to start to explore Me and I don't think I ever said how grateful I was until now.

So thank you one and all. Thank you all of you teachers who've confused and frustrated me and pushed me to be who I am today. Thank you to the students I shared the ride with. Thank you to the people who've cast me in productions this last year and thank you to my friends and family for their unceasing support. I am grateful to you all. More than you can ever know.