If I knew then what I know now

September sees the fresh faced arrivals at many drama schools and colleges throughout the UK and means that the streets of Covent Garden are adorned with the latest intake of students at the Royal Ballet school. None of which is a bad thing of course.

What is worth pointing out to the same drama students though is that although the quality of teaching that they may have might well vary a little from institution to institution, they industry may well regard those venues (and their teaching) as vastly different. As I'm sure you've all been told before, Life isn't fair. Deal with it.

I was sitting and thinking about what I wish I knew when I started my training at City Lit? What would have made my life, not easier per se, more perhaps productive? What traps I could potentially avoid I guess.

The short answer is that I wish I realised that I had one mouth, two ears, and sometimes only half a brain. I admit that I was one of those students who needed to understand the reason behind the exercise that the teacher was putting us through. If, as often was the case, I didn't grasp the point of the exercise then I would spend a huge amount of energy trying to fathom it out rather than just getting on with it and seeing what followed.

My end of term reports often intimated that I was being too analytical and too cerebral and that I needed to not fear the visceral response sometimes. What crystallised the lesson for me was when a teacher, the immensely talented and hugely patient Jonathan Dawes, took me to one side and said "Imagine you're standing on a kerb or a wall. Balance right on the edge of it. Allow yourself to fall and deliver your lines in that moment of uncertainty and freedom." To this day I often find myself taking a character I've got trouble finding and, using bits of dialogue, I go and balance on the steps by the Renoir cinema and I play. Just play. With the words, the meaning, the timing. In that play I find a huge release of my own expectations and preconceived ideas about the character. As I topple forward, or backward if standing that way, off the kerb my instinct kicks in and my focus is not on me, or the character. I cease to exist. My attention is on the fall. The journey if you like. And in those moments the first glimpses of a character can sometimes be seen.

It's worth saying that Drama School, any Drama School, will be the most supportive, inclusive, welcoming, safe space for you to learn your craft in. So don't get caught up in petty squabbles between students and especially not between students and staff! You may or may not wish to include 'Romances' in the category of 'Petty Squabbles'.

Having seen relationships blossom and die between students in the same acting class I would suggest that although a dalliance might well be fun, be aware that if the relationship sours you may well have two and a half years of having to sit in the same room with, and reveal the deepest darkest secrets of your soul to, someone who you previously adored but now wouldn't pee on if they were on fire. Needless to say this added frisson can bring a useful element to some examples of scene work but may well interfere with others.
Let's not forget that the relationship may well have an impact on others in your class too. It may be that you and your partner want to work almost exclusively with each other on scenes too. But that would limit the learning that you both have ultimately.

We learn by being exposed to other actors. If we repeatedly, and misguidedly, seek to work with only someone we love, or even just 'fancy' in some cases, then we are limiting our own experiences. It is an actors  job to seek out new experiences and to challenge ourselves by, perhaps, working with the people we feel least inclined to work with. After all once you've left the safe environs of the drama school you will inevitably be faced with the situation one day of turning up to the first day of auditions and finding someone standing there you really would rather wasn't. If you don't have that experience of working with all sorts whilst at college you may find that you are thrown when the cast doesn't all gel perhaps. Even if they don't, and sometimes even with the best will of all concerned they just don't, you still have a show to perform so you have to behave professionally and in a civil manner. At least until the final curtain falls on the run.

To sum up this post, drama training should be fun. A play is called a 'Play' for a reason after all, so play. Play with character, with emotion, I would say play with yourself but I fear that may be misconstrued.

Be aware though that the start of training is precisely that. I loved my time at City Lit and I learnt loads. I also now know that I've learnt infinitely more about the business since graduating than I did in my time there.

Most drama schools seem to skirt around the 'Business' side of the business so I want to say a few words about that but I think that'll have to come in the next post.

Immersive experience

My recent relative silence here and on Twitter has been due to my involvement in something new for me, immersive theatre.

I know that this is something that divides both audience and critics alike and I am someone who has been to immersive, interactive, theatre and hated some of it as much as I've loved others of this ilk. 

What was interesting for me was the huge amount of improvisation required to keep the audience firm in the belief that they had become immersed in your world, and that that world was different to their own. 

Working in a damp disused railway tunnel takes its' toll on your voice unless you remember to support it correctly and so does no daylight for 9 hours a day during rehearsals but the whole thing was made much more enjoyable by having a great cast who were all phenomenally generous, and a fantastic director whose vision resulted in the creation of something that defies classification and straddles genres with ease. 

From audience reactions we knew we had something good happening but we could not tell how good. And then we found we had been nominated for an Off West End Award (Offie) and collectively smiled a huge smile. 

It's not that we do this for the recognition of course but the way this particular show is set up there is no chance for the audience to applaud the cast and some find that a little difficult after working so hard for so long, so the good reviews and the nomination serve as our collective applause and we, as one, salute you. 

I should also say here that the show is Jack the Ripper's London, by Crow Theatre and directed by Natasha Campbell. We are resting the show for August whilst some set changes happen and then we'll be back in September ready to amaze and delight. 

Twitter and How to Use It

Sometimes life has a habit of getting in the way of even the most well planned of things. That is what has happened with my blog of late. Life, in the form of my own insecurities and foibles, has left me rather distracted of late so I have neglected my blog for almost two months.

I shall try, but won't promise, to provide a blog post at least once a month from here on in.

This particular post is being written at the request of one of the most highly regarded headshot photographers around, Mr Michael Wharley.

He is off to the NSDF conference this year and has asked if he can feature me as an example of an actor who uses Twitter effectively. Once I was over the shock of being asked if he can use my Twitter page as an example we talked the topic over a little and I decided that I would blog on the slightly wider topic of "How to Use Twitter if you're an Actor"

Not meaning to sound like I know what I'm talking about, and absolutely not meaning to lecture but it does strike me that there are some very simple rules to follow when using Twitter as a professional tool no matter what your profession.

Firstly there is the little matter of picking your name. Pick it carefully.

As much as your Equity and Spotlight names are your brand name so is your online presence part of the same brand. The fact that your schoolmates might well have called you Wobblybottom or that you really did have an email address that was "punanimaster@...." is something that you need to leave behind you.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, smacks of a lack of professionalism more than having an unprofessional online name. Your email address, even if it's a free web-based email, and your Twitter account are professional tools and need to be treated as such. The simplest solution is to just try to get an account that matches your name as closely as possible. If you have to veer away from that because some other person has already nabbed your name then so be it but don't veer off into the inane or profane.

If you want brand consistency across all platforms then I would suggest looking into sites like NameChk which allows you to check name availability on almost all forms of social media or Know'em which does something very similar but also allows you to check domain name availability and then gives you the option to pay for a service which will register your chosen name on up to 300 websites in one go. Personally I didn't much see the point in the pay service when you really only want to grab the top sites anyway but the option is there to use if you so desire.

Now you've got your page reserved what do you do with it?

This is Twitter we're talking about here so I will stick with that, although these can be extended to other social media sites too of course. Twitter allows you to change the background to your page. So change it. Even if you just tile your main headshot over the page that is something. And use a professional headshot as your avatar too.

I know these may sound like idiot guides but heigh-ho... Now you've set up your page you need to start to follow people. Personally I think there is limited mileage to be gained from following the celebrity Twitterati as you will not really be able to engage them in conversation. (Even if you do you will probably be speaking with the web manager employed to Tweet on behalf of the celeb anyway.) When I started out I found the Twitter accounts for as many of the London Fringe theatres I could find and then followed them. I looked at who they followed and followed them. That way I quickly built up a list of people I was following who were at least interested in theatre.

Read their posts. Reply. Ask questions. And above all else be prepared to help out too. If people need a retweet of one of their messages then retweet it. If you're stuck for something to say then ask who you can help.

I treat Twitter as part of the job of being an actor. Of course it doesn't improve my acting per se, nor will it get you auditions but if you follow film and theatre production companies, directors, and above all else casting directors, then you will hear about things in the pipeline often before they are public knowledge and that gives you a chance to be helpful.

There are some fringe producers out there who will look at a Twitter presence and if you've a growing following on here and someone else has none they will tend to offer parts to the actor who can readily market an upcoming show to their following.

Twitter isn't just about getting bums on seats though. Acting can be a very lonely profession at times and online social media can provide you with support and guidance in those times when you are ready to quit. And everyone has those moments sometimes. If you have engaged with people and shown compassion then you will get compassion back in return.

Speaking personally and entirely subjectively here I can say that there have been times when Twitter has given me room to vent and let off steam and others when it has given me strength and succour to continue. It has also put me in contact with some wonderful people who produce work that I truly admire. Of course, overtime, as you build your own online presence your personality will start to shine through. That is a good thing. You cannot expect to be entirely business focussed all the time and it's to be encouraged to have opinions on things and to Tweet them too.

I have seen people use paid-for Follower tools on Twitter. I decided long ago not to go down that path as even though they would generate a large kick in follower numbers it is doubtful that many of them would be even vaguely interested in theatre, film, or acting in any form so what would be the point of having the number for the sake of the number. I would rather quality over quantity any day.

As I've said before, spend time reading the Tweets from people who you follow. And reply. Twitter is a modern day version of the chat over the garden fence and it's going to be a very dull conversation if only one person talks all the time.

Be proactive. Be helpful. Be mindful too.

By mindfulness I mean don't flood your timeline with a million tweets about your undying love for Justin Beiber/One Direction/Twilight etc. It might well be that you will marry one of them but it gets very dull, very quickly when all you do is tweet about them. So think about what you post. Share the things you like. Share the things you really don't like. Share enough to allow people to see who you are beyond just being an actor.

Showcase Shmocase

Well it's been almost a month since I was here last and what a month it's been!

I've been to lots of drama school showcases, some of which have blown me away with the display of raw talent on stage, others of which have made me wish for a lightening bolt descending from the skies to strike the director who deemed their ideas worthy of being a showcase. I can't stress enough how terrible some of them have been.

Back in the day when I was approaching my own showcase it was drummed into us by our head of faculty that the job of the showcase was to, unsurprisingly, showcase us. It was not to give us all equal stage time if that time meant we could shoot ourselves in our feet. Metaphorically speaking of course. Well it seems to me that some drama schools take the view that all students need to be given equal stage time regardless of ability. Hence I've witnessed singing that was flat, voices that were indistinct, acting that was timid and utterly mind-numbing and I've also had to sit through umpteen excerpts from the same handful of plays over, and over, and over again. Even the food on offer has started to take on a relentless sameness. Standing around in the bar afterwards chatting to agents they all share the same view.

Drama school showcases invariably take place in the lunch hour so that busy agents, casting directors and producers can justify getting out of the office for a bit longer than an hour and seeing something entertaining and finding new talent. The new talent is undeniably there but the "entertainment" factor has been absent by and large. Making the audience laugh, or even making them smile, makes them more predisposed to like the actors they see on stage. Boring them or picking scenes that all feature two people screaming profanities at each other gets rather tiring.

The most entertaining, and arguably most successful showcase so far this year has featured a mixture of duo and monologues together with larger company pieces and even the odd song. And no this was not a Musical Theatre showcase, they're an altogether different bag usually featuring a large degree of shirt movements revealing toned six-pack abs, row upon row of preternaturally white teeth and any number of Stiles and Drewe songs segueing into hard bitting dramatic scenes where the leading candidate to play Dandini in panto this season in Margate is allowed to flex his acting muscles by declaring himself in love with the beautiful girl opposite him whilst struggling to hide his penchant to punctuate sentences with a demonstration of a jazz hand or two. But they are entertaining nevertheless.

I have to say the thing uniformly lacking in most of the drama showcases I've seen so far has been simply that. Drama. Mainly scenes are underacted with the actors showing scant connection with the text and not able to project vocally beyond the first two rows of the stalls. This has been the case in even the smallest, and oddest choice of venue, the Fortune Theatre where the showcase also suffered from being badly lit.

Why do I go if they're so bad I hear you say? Well, not only do I live moments away from the majority of venues but I also have a job to do. I'm an actor, a director and now a producer. When I go I am looking at, and for, actors. Sometimes the design of the showcase makes it hard for the cream to rise beyond the sea of little UHT milk capsules bobbing about. I beg the people tasked with creating showcases to remember what they are there to do and to showcase the talent. But please please please make the hour entertaining. Mix it up a bit. If you have one black actor please use something other than Blue/Orange to demonstrate his skills. Why not let him do Coward, or Crimp for that matter. Shake it up. Be bold. Let your imagination fly and let your students take wing rather than shackle them by lacklustre direction and no imagination.

The Importance of Art

I've been asked once or twice to address this mammoth topic so here goes. Art is important because it reflects life. All life.

There. That's it. In a nutshell that's why Art is important. And I do mean all art. From the beautifully designed and made greetings cards available in the shops to the prints of workmen high on a steel girder in New York available in IKEA, to the cutting edge of theatre via the most mainstream of cinema releases. And in a whole lot of other places I can't even begin to list here for fear of turning this post into a list of places that I can't list.

Personally speaking Art, and the creative industries as a whole, have provided me with escape and allowed me to walk a mile in the shoes of people who I don't know. Hell it's even done that in regard to animals too as I recall feeling every moment of Joey's life played out on stage in War Horse at the National Theatre.

Be it in book form, theatre, cinema or painting I can testify to being personally moved by the experience of seeing something that has sprung from the imagination of another. In fact at my lowest ever ebb I found myself in the National Gallery sitting in awe in front of the Leonardo Cartoon for about two hours. Utterly transfixed. Still, if I'm having a tough time of things emotionally I can often be found sitting in the little darkened room that contains, what I regard, as the highlight of the national collection.

This picture, officially known as the Burlington House Cartoon, but more usually referred to as the Leonardo Cartoon, never fails to move me when I see it. It's unfinished but still it has a perfection in its unfinished state that is beautiful. I know nothing about painting or drawing beyond a very basic understanding of the "magic triangle" but when I see this drawing I know the effect it has on me. It makes my heart soar. It lifts my spirits and it humbles me at the same time.

Being someone who experiences bouts of depression and anxiety at times, finding things, places, people, books, pictures etc, that can remind me of the beauty of Life and of the innate ability of Man to create is phenomenally important. It can't be stressed enough how much I owe to this particular picture.

Many years ago I was feeling so low I would rather have embraced death than faced life. I felt that I couldn't achieve anything of value and that whatever I attempted I would never be able to finish. Then I walked into the National Gallery and found this picture.

It resides behind glass in a little room all by itself near the top of the stairs in the Sainsbury Wing of the gallery. The room is dimly lit. One door in, one door out. One piece of art softly lit so as to accent the fine lines and shading drawn by a master of his craft. And it's not finished. Yet it's perfect. Feet and hands remain nothing other than crude outlines no better than that I could sketch now with a biro and the back of a shopping list. The faces however, and the folds of cloth are phenomenal. The serenity of the faces, the weight of the cloth as it drapes over the bodies. I cannot stress enough how much this picture, in all of its incompleteness, is to me perfect. And it has something intrinsic to it that reproductions of it don't have. It has soul.

Over the years I have toyed with the idea of buying a reproduction, perhaps in the form of a fridge magnet or even possibly a full sized authorised copy where even the paper it's produced on is a perfect copy of the original. Each time I've thought about buying one and hanging it in my home, somewhere I can see it every day, I've shied away after coming to the conclusion that a copy isn't good enough. So I keep my special picture in the National Gallery and if I need to see it then I walk ten minutes down the road and gaze upon it for as long as I need. For no charge.

I know art is a subjective matter, it can't be anything but, however it does surprise me when I sit absorbed in the Leonardo perhaps, or sitting in an auditorium watching a play, how different people are impacted in different ways by the same thing. At the National Gallery I see many people glance at paintings and obviously not "get" them. The same way as when everyone else around you in a theatre is killing themselves with laughter whilst you would really rather kill yourself rather than have to endure more of this particular theatrical torture. The reverse is also true of course and I'm as guilty of loving plays and films that almost everyone else regards as being pure trash. But I don't care. If it moves me, if it entertains me, even better if it challenges me whilst entertaining and moving me, then it's Art. And Art is good.

Topics for discussion

As some of you may well be aware I've been somewhat lax in keeping this blog up to date with new, pithy, insightful comments. Well that will now change.

I've asked on Twitter and will ask again here for what it is you want me to cover about the world of acting.

So far I've been asked to discuss why it is that Art is important and also how to create a firm sense of place when you're on stage or in the audition room.

I was debating going in to detail about recent productions I've seen and what works, and what doesn't, and thought that might just become a rehash of the reviews I write for Remote Goat and also now for Bargain Theatre so came to the conclusion that doing that wouldn't make for good reading. So, I think, to mark my return to the bloggersphere I will tackle the big one. Why is Art important?

But I'm not going to tackle it right away because I'm hungry and it's lunchtime. So this post serves as an introduction to what will follow... and also as a question about things you'd like to see me tackle. Let your minds run free. Mine frequently does, hence the three pages of a one man show about a gay vampire that are currently sitting on my desktop asking for attention... More about that later I think. Until then, happy lunchtime!

Should I stay or should I go?

Hunting around for a topic to write about is sometimes easy and sometimes not. A bit like Life really. Especially when that life belongs to an actor.

So, being a generous soul, and not being able to think of something to write myself, I donned the cloak of generousity and asked the Twittersphere what topic(s) they would like me to write about on here.

After strenuously examining the vast number of reply I had (thanks Rhonda! Glad to know someone reads this!) I thought I would deal with the most popular topic that cropped up. Once.

The single reply to my offer read as follows:

How about a piece dealing with Office Politics during a project? Possibly emphasizing (she's American so she's allowed to spell like that) how to handle your work when the project is a kind of disaster and everybody is grumbling and complaining.

When do you leave?

How do you make that decision?

Why should you stay?

OK, how do you deal with office politics in a production, which doesn't have an "office" but a rehearsal room which can be fraught and tense, and exhausting. And then shifts to a stage which can be a whole myriad of things all at once?

When all about you moan and whinge what do you do? What do I do?

I'm always honest here and I've no reason to change that. Also I only ever write about my own experiences as that it what I have to draw on in my life and it's that life that, at times, has meant I've had to deal with awkward decisions. But as to how you deal with office politics in a production there is one rule. And for me it's an absolute. And that rule is don't get drawn in to petty political squabbles in a production.

It's fine to offer an opinion when it's requested by the director, or even when another actor asks for help but avoid at all costs getting into the You're Right/Wrong type of arguments where you have to take sides. Be diplomatic.

Says I. Who in one of the first productions I was found myself in a nonsense of a production. A director without a clear vision. Without the ability to explain to the cast and crew the essence of his vision without saying "It's all in my head. I'll know when it's right".

This same director regularly would turn up late, sometimes by as much as 3 hours or more, to a 6 hour rehearsal. And then he would explode at the cast and crew for not being "on it" immediately when he arrived. He would undercut the choreographer at every opportunity, mainly by listening to what they said, watching what they'd got us doing and then saying "that's not right. It needs to be like this...." and proceeding to rechoreograph entire routines. He would, and did, arrive in the wings two minutes before curtain up and hand a cast member a prop whilst saying helpfully "this will help your character be real" before they walked on to a stage to do a song and dance routine. Now carrying a brand new, unrehearsed, unrequired, unwarranted prop.

But that was the actual production.

Back in rehearsal cast were regularly kept waiting, as I said for hours on end, by the director who would then break every 20 mins for a smoke and a coffee and wouldn't allow us more than 15 minutes for lunch.

One cast member, a good friend of mine, left and the following day (8 days before opening night) the director arrived, about 2 hours late, and I should add the director had the only key to the rehearsal space, and gathered everyone together to publically attack the now absent cast member. Who, it must be pointed out, had left because he couldn't cope with the utter disregard the director had for the company.

I had spoken to a teacher of mine about the situation and she gave me sage advice which I still go back to today. I said to her that I was tempted to walk. She said if you've signed a contract, or even if you haven't you never walk. Be utterly businesslike and professional but never walk. Her advice dealing with the tardy director was as follows....

1. Explain why you are not happy. Clearly.
2. Set out some rules of conduct for the director.
3. And for the cast.
4. State the outcome if the director breaks the rules.
5. Be prepared to carry them out.

In this circumstance, the discontent was because the cast were regularly hanging around outside the rehearsal room for a minimum of 20 mins and a max of perhaps 150 minutes. We had no warm up time. No structured lunch breaks. No structured end times.

To deal with this it was suggested that the rehearsal rooms were open 30-45 mins before our rehearsal call times, thus allowing people to warm up ready to go for the start of the rehearsal.

Also that the director had to be there by the call time for the rehearsal. If he wasn't, I said I would wait twenty minutes and then go home as I could work better there by myself than waste time waiting for him to arrive.

Oh and we had a known schedule for breaks and for lunch. Of course we weren't going to walk out when the clock hit lunchtime if we were in the middle of something but everyone knew that about 1pm we would break for one hour for lunch. And at 11am and 3pm we would break for refreshments/smoke etc.

That way everyone knew what the rules were. From that day on the rehearsal room was open everyday 30 mins prior to the call time. The director was never late. We all had rest and felt able to go on. If someone hadn't made a stand we would have all been utterly exhausted and probably been injured during the run itself.

It's not that this is strictly to do with office politics but there is something important here and that's that although the relationship between Director and Cast can at times be fraught, and at others beautiful to behold, everyone in a company has a job to do. Just because someone has a bigger title than Actor does not mean that they can ignore the feelings and sensibilities of the cast. Nor should the cast be prepared to lay down some simple, professional, rules of conduct.

This was a Fringe production but that is not the point. Assuming that because a budget is small the process would automatically be "difficult" is wrong. I've had the utter delight of working with gifted, visionary directors on Fringe productions with minisucule budgets who never failed to show their cast utmost respect and never once allowed their professionalism to be compromised by budget restraints.

Everybody pays to be in a production. Producers pay money and stress. Cast pays in blood, sweat and tears. But when everyone treats all the others involved with respect it's amazing how much more fun it is. And how much better the final result is.

So, young actors out there, don't be scared of saying if you think something, or someone, anyone, in a position of responsibility in a Company is out of order. On the big issues obviously. Don't waste time over the small stuff. But remember it's not your job to undermine the director. It's about being professional at all times and expecting the same of all others.

That's Entertainment - Barons' Court Theatre

"That's Entertainment most definitely entertains!" by Colin Appleby for remotegoat on 25/10/11 0

This double bill of one act plays, penned by the obviously talented Phil Preece, premiered at the Garrick Theatre in 2009 before embarking on a tour of the UK last year and returns to London for one night only.

The first piece, Mr Bluesky, ably directed by Paul Findlay who co-stars in the second piece himself, examines the life, lifestyle and losses accrued by one Vince Meager an aging rocker long past his prime and still touring playing his big hits from the 60s to his adoring, and shrinking, fan base. Driven by his self belief, and in part his loneliness, he invites a young lady back to his dressing room and it becomes apparent quickly that all is not what it seems as the two discover a past that may, or may not, have more in common than meets the eye.

Vince Meager is played by Steve Dolton and Kirsty, the female guest in the dressing room by Kelly Ward.

As a one act play the piece is entertaining and leaves you asking questions about the motives behind the actions of both characters. I don't wish to detract from the piece but as good as it is, it is very much the support act to what follows.

After a brief interval, the lights go up on That's Entertainment, where we are introduced to a couple of national TV stars at the top of their game. Set backstage at an awards night where the duo have been honoured with a glittering trophy the duo, The Jolee Boys, examine their careers and debated rather heatedly if perhaps they have sold out in order to cash in.

The script, in common with that of Mr Bluesky, reveals that all is not rosy in this particular garden. Joe, played by Paul Findlay, is at great pains to return to what he sees as his comedy roots but his entertainment partner Lee, played by Steven Humpherson, is happy to down champagne and snort line after line of cocaine and ride this gravy train for as long as he can.

The differences provide scope for both Findlay and Humpherson to let rip with their characters as they go from reminiscing about their first steps onto a stage as shepherds in a "navatity" play at school, to realising what is going on and what they each have to do in order to survive.

The play could easily handle being expanded in to a two act drama, or comedy, and works exceptionally well in the confined space of the Barons Court Theatre as the limited space adds to the pressure of both pieces. There is no easy escape for any of the four characters in these two pieces, nor would the audience desire one for them. Or for themselves.

Steven Humpherson perfectly captures the essence of coke addicted, almost alcoholic, light entertainment star and has what can only be described as phenomenal stage presence.

To say that he is perfectly matched by Paul Findlay is an understatement. These two actors have an obvious and easy camaraderie on stage which enables the exceptionally quick fire lines and the sharp retorts to come as if directly from the spleen. Every word and gesture is well aimed, well timed and delivered nigh on perfectly.

Talking of understatement it's not an understatement to say that both Findlay and Humpherson are destined for much greater things if this performance is to be believed. Far from waning I would say their personal stars are very much in the ascendency.

I do not know where this double bill is playing next but I will say hunt it down and see it. That's Entertainment is certainly what I call entertainment.

Last Days of the Commune - White Bear

"Witness a truly revolutionary event" by Colin Appleby for remotegoat on 20/10/11 3

Presented by the suitably named Gunpowder Theatre Company, at the little gem of an oddity that is the White Bear Theatre Pub, is the absolute delight that is this production of Bertolt Brecht's The Days of the Commune.

The play, set in 1871, tracks the rise and fall of the Paris Commune in a semi-documentary style where the main character is the Commune and the streets of Paris themselves rather than any of the 60 or so characters who spend time on the tiny stage exploring the pressures of material hardship, class antagonisms, and the struggle of leading a city of 2 million people when you have no experience of rule and when the ruling classes, and the media, decide that your revolution is nothing other than mob rule.

The stage, as I mentioned, is tiny. And yet the sense of space achieved is phenomenal. As are the cast. Fifteen actors portray 60 odd characters and the play even features a full size cannon.

Having sat with my thoughts for a while about the play I am still unable to find anything more to say other than it's a remarkably strong ensemble brought together under the bold, and obviously talented, directorial wing of Genevieve Girling to make a piece of theatre which well deserves the critical acclaim it's getting in the press and well deserves being seen.

Struggling as I am to pull out a single performance as the truly stand out one of the evening, because the ensemble gathered here is so uniformly strong, I do feel that the vastly experienced Gary Heron brings a touch of vulnerability to his rough stock proletarian Papa Goule that adds a gentle side to what could otherwise be a tough character to warm to.

Worth highlighting amongst the remaining cast are Steve Wickenden who demonstrates a mastery of comic timing and delivers both his lines, and his non-verbal interjections, precisely and perfectly placed never ceasing to hit the mark without veering over into pantomime. And Rupert Ratcliffe, playing Pierre Langevin a member of the elected committee of the Paris Commune, continues to display the stage presence and talent that marked him out as someone to watch in the recent production of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the New Diorama and I am looking forward to watching him in Don Carlos at the Blue Elephant.

I am at pains to state that all of the cast rise the the difficult challenges that this play, and this production, set them. And they rise to them triumphantly.

Hang of the Gaol - Brockley Jack

"Cool Prison Drama Beats Luke" by Colin Appleby for remotegoat on 01/10/11 8

I know that I have mentioned in other reviews the perils of being a reviewer and an actor are manifest. Think about the dilemma one faces when reviewing a play featuring a cast you don't like, and a script you find impenetrable. Or even worse one where the actors work their socks off and the script shines with brilliance that the director has managed to remove all trace of.

Now take that peril and factor in the added risk of a cast populated with people I've either worked with in the past or people I've trained with. Mix them up with a venue I adore and a playwright I have a huge admiration for and the risks are increased. So great they are that I usually eschew the job of reviewing shows that are such large potential minefields. However on this occasion I grasped the job in hand by the horns and was rewarded with that warm glow that I get when I see a cast cope with a very wordy and dense script and bring it to life with charm, pace, and wit.

The play is one of Howard Barkers most successful plays and here it is performed in a remodeled Brockley Jack Theatre that is used to great effect to recreate the interior of Middenhurst Gaol. Now reduced to burning embers the ensuing inquiry tasked with establishing the facts behind the fire uncovers layer upon layer of deceit.

As the inquiry, led by the sexually rapacious civil servant Jardine, played brilliantly by Alan Thorpe, squares up to the establishment figures, who have a myriad of agendas that are slowly revealed, the demands made of the cast increase. And they largely meet that task ably.

I do not wish to give away any of the plot twists and turns here but there are delightful scenes and electric performances scattered through this production.

Julian Bird excels as the incumbent Home Secretary and displays almost as perfect a sense of comic timing as Darren Benedict, who brings a brilliance and lightness to his role as one half of a fantastical fire investigation team. Maggie-Anne Lowe, Anne-Marie Hughes and the exceptional Matthew Eaton provide the other cast highlights.

I should add that this wordy, dense, difficult play, showing in this charming, somewhat out of the way theatre was the second play I had seen this day. The other was a still in preview star vehicle in the West End. It was Cool Hand Luke. I may review that debacle but in direct comparison this was far more entertaining and far better acted.

Cool Hand Luke costs £50 a seat in the stalls. The Hang of the Gaol costs £12. Save your pennies and see this. Actually maybe splash out on a meal in the Brockley Jack pub before heading in to the see the play. You'll have a much better evening than you would seeing Cool Hand Luke.

Thick - New Diorama

Thick Outstanding performances from all" by Colin Appleby for remotegoat on 16/09/11 5

This was my first visit to the New Diorama Theatre, which is tucked away in the middle of a development of office buildings just north of Tottenham Court Road and what a delightful introduction to the space Thick turned out to be.

I know that as a review I should not allow the other things I have recently seen to influence my prejudging of a new piece. But, I'm human and I make no apology for coming to Thick with a slightly downbeat heart after the less than perfect production I had seen the previous evening. I own up to sitting in my comfy seat, in the intimate space that is the New Diorama, and being disheartened by the naive set design and the slightly downbeat music played whilst the audience wandered in.

Within moments of this black comedy starting however I perked up no end. Largely due to the stellar performances by the cast of four talented actors, led by Rick Bland (who is anything but) and supported by Gary Fannin, Barbara Barnes and the incredibly talented Genevieve Adam.

The tale is a journey of one man, Rudolph, an idiot savant (Rick Bland), to a funeral and is a complex and deft weave of flashbacks and memories featuring a plentiful supply of non-alcoholic gin, the shoe saleswoman from Hell, a man who lives only for his lawn and a further 9 characters including Pope John Paul II.

Only Bland does not have to play multiple roles but as he never leaves the stage during this 90 minute bravura performance (no interval) to ask more of one actor would be utterly unfair.

All in all this is a surprising, charming, intelligent, witty and at times seriously laugh out loud, emotionally moving piece of theatre which well deserves an audience so go and see it!

I Love You, You're Perfect. Now Change

On Tuesday 13th September I had the pleasure of attending the Press Night of Maple Giant Theatre's production of the multi-award winning, and internationally staged show I Love You You're Perfect* Now Change in order to review it for this website. 

A show that garnered such a huge amount of critical acclaim obviously raises the expectation of what you are going to see, and factoring that with the delight of seeing something at the Bridewell Theatre, and something featuring someone I had the pleasure of training with, all served to perhaps raise my expectations unfairly to the level where they couldn't be anything but not entirely met. 

The show, more a musical review than a traditional show, charts the ups and downs of the world of Romance. It strives to portray the truths and the myths behind relationships and with a handful of deceptively simple sounding melodies interspersed with some accomplished harmonies from the company.

The cast was missing Tonia Szkurhan, due to illness, and her role was shared by other members of the cast. Most notably by the director and actor Amy Cooke-Hodgson who rose to the challenge of stepping in at short notice with a remarkable level of calm and confidence matched seamlessly by her phenomenal vocal skill. 

Out of the remaining ensemble, the stand out performance has to be that of JJ Criss who manages to switch from slimy lawyer type to tender loving father and a variety of other characters with charm and a vocal dexterity that I quite happily covet. Although a musical theatre actor, and lead singer for rock group Stamina, he manages to convey absolute faith and honesty with every word he sings. 

I think I would have preferred the show more if the venue had been more intimate as sometimes the performers seemed a little lost in the large space they occupy here, but it's well worth seeing, for JJ Criss and Amy Cooke-Hodgson especially, and also for Jamie Scott-Smith's brilliant take on geriatric tap dancing (which I'd like to see more of, perhaps in a spin-off show of his own).

Lives and loves of a Reviewer Pt 1

As some of you know I write reviews for Remote Goat... bravely I do so under my own name.

I just thought I would share some of the things I've seen recently so you can see for yourselves it's not all champagne and starlight in the world of the reviewer!

I know it's lazy blogging but I thought it might be interesting to see if any of you have seen the same things and if you agree or disagree. Or just want to comment at all!

So the next few posts will be reviews of shows I've seen... in the order that I have experienced them. Of course I have blogged about some of them previously and you'll be able to figure out which ones I've referred to elsewhere in the blog yourselves I would imagine because you're an intelligent lot!

It isn't just what you do on stage

Yesterday I went to see the work of an up and coming theatre company who are striving to reinvent the Rep Company for the 21st Century. They strive to provide a year long training program built around the experience of putting on three full scale professional productions throughout the year.

After the experience of yesterday I would still say that these are lofty ambitions and deserve support, however this is a business not a fairytale adventure and sometimes businesses need to be tough in order to teach people valuable lessons.

It was apparent from watching the assorted cast of some 17 young people of varied talent get to grips with the reworking of this classic Greek tale of lust, revenge and death, that some of the basics need to be attended to urgently.

There really is scant point in staging a full scale professional production when the cast are in obvious need of speech lessons. There is no point putting on what is ostensibly a college production and calling it professional.

Perhaps equally importantly the actors should all have drummed into them the importance of an online presence. I was trying to write up my review of this particular play this morning when I realised that my task was made much more difficult than usual due to the utter lack of photos and biogs in the literature handed out at the theatre. It could not be too arduous a task to have a couple of pages with just a headshot and the name of the actor next to it could it? I'd think not. But nevermind, I thought, I'll turn to Google and will go through the names listed and call up the relevant Spotlight or Casting Call Pro pages for the actors concerned.

I think my biggest shock wasn't that most of the cast are not listed on either site (as far as I, with the help of Google, could ascertain) but more that the few who were listed had not bothered to update their online resumes in quite a while. In one case that "while" equates to five years. None of the actors listed the current production.

Wearing one of my other hats, this time as Director, I constantly look out for actors who get added to my list of people I would want to work with in the future, or at least see how they develop over the next few years, but none of those on stage made that list yesterday purely because of the lack of ability to identify them.

Even a wall of headshots in the theatre would have helped!

I would hope that young actors, and those just starting out in their careers who may have a few years of Life on their side, would realise that most casting these days is done online initially. And that in order to improve their chances of getting roles, of actually just getting seen, then their online presence is just as essential as their technical knowledge.

Getting my claws in to making plans

I've been thinking what it is about Humankind that makes us put self generated hurdles in the way of our own success.

Something has caused me to think that, although I subscribe to the view that when we're ready for something the Universe will present it to us, sometimes when the Universe thinks we're ready we are all to quick to disagree.

Perhaps it's not the fear that we will fail but the fear that we will be successful that holds us back from trying new things until we're absolutely ready for the trials and tribulations (as well as the joys) that new experiences will bring.

Personally I'm a little guilty of, until recently, ruled out the prospect of even entertaining the idea of going on an extended theatrical tour. I've not actually said as much and I've even gladly thrown myself into the audition process for some high profile tours, but somewhere in the back of my mind has been the creeping, gnawing worry that God knows what I would do if I'd ever been lucky enough to be cast in one of them.

Being the human keeper of two cats I had, I thought, planned for the eventuality of going on tour in so much as I had lined up a variety of friends who had kindly agreed to either take the cats in as house guests or, perhaps with less disruption to themselves and the feline fellows, spend a lot of time at my home and care for the kitties there. In situ. However it's become obvious to me that this was not preparation. This was me creating an obstacle.

My thinking runs thus...

Brilliant tour job comes along:
I ace the audition naturally, and am perfect for the role;
I accept the job;
Then approach the cat keepers of choice and ask if it's all ok that they do indeed look after the furry critters.

That train of action can only have one of two outcomes. They either say Yes. Or No.

Previously I had convinced myself that I would ALWAYS be able to find someone to look after the cats and therefore I would never find myself in a position where their welfare would impact my working as an actor. It really was a wake up call this week when I realised that there are in fact people who are highly skilled in looking after cats when their owners are out of town. They are called catteries.

Now in order for me to square the whole process of putting my beloved boys in to what I at times have called a "Cat Prison" means I have to have a seismic shift in my thinking. About catteries, about what it is to "care" and about my job as an actor.

The only person responsible for my furthering my career is me. I enlist people I trust and value to help me along the way. People who I learn from (either formally like a brilliant singing teacher) or informally such as the person I see when I look in the mirror...

I know that this post is largely about cats, but if you've seen Jasper and Peluche you'd know they're not just "ordinary" cats! Still, the process of making them ready to be put in a cattery if necessary, and of making my brain accept that this is the right decision as it frees me up to do something I love, work, without punishing them as I had first thought, is a long and convoluted one. I have searched using the power of Google and have found a number of local catteries on the outskirts of London. I will go and visit any that take my fancy and I will try to determine their suitability to care for my precious pussycats.

Although I am not planning on putting them in a cattery in the immediate future, and I know that I will shed a tear when I do so for the first time, I have to be ready so that when that offer of a 3 month tour on Broadway materialises (or more realistically a 3 week tour of rural Wales) I am ready and have few obstacles in my path that I have not thought about and resolved.

This business is a business and like all businesses planning is key. The old adage "Fail to plan, plan to fail" comes to mind here. But in this case it's not that I am guilty of failing to plan it is just that my plans were unrealistic and unworkable. Who am I to build my career paths on the need to have others there to give me help when, if, I need it. I am me. I am responsible for me. And mine. And my career. And I won't martyr it on the alter of long held misconceptions or unrealistic expectations of others.


-------------------------------------

Of course if people have experience of housing their pets in a London or Home Counties cattery then please feel free to recommend or warn in the comments section!

Studio 2 - Somewhere

I'm currently part way through rehearsals for a drama pilot for the BBC. A studio drama pilot.

What's so special about that I hear you ask. Well if you consider that it's the first studio drama to be filmed at BBC TV Centre since 1996 then I think it's something of note.

Walking around TV Centre (TVC) it's clear that studio facilities are not being utilised. A senior producer today said that the "studio was restricting for writers" and suggested that having to contain action to a minimum number of sets was a restriction many writers would not want.

So instead of producing studio dramas of note the BBC use the gem that is TVC to churn out light entertainment shows that chase ratings. It's a public service broadcaster who has the luxury of being given a few billion quid a year to produce output. Surely some of that cash can be used to make studio drama that's relevant to today.

I've been told stories of every studio being full all day, every day. I've also been told that the BBC now directly employ only two cameramen. The rest are freelance. That being the case where is the apprentice structure for the technicians to learn their craft? It used to be in Wood Lane but now it's gone. Perhaps the view, also espoused today by a BBC Exec that they can "no longer compete" in the realms of producing drama has led to a culture where the first though is negative when it comes to producing quality studio drama. The second is, the Americans do it well so let's just buy some in.

The BBC is a public funded, public service broadcaster. How is it in the public service to not produce quality dramas at home? In studios they own. How can it be in the public interest not to nurture new talent both in front of and behind the camera?

That would lead to us exporting talent and finish products. That's not a bad aim for a public service broadcaster to have somewhere is it?

Hold on tight. You're in for a bumpy ride.

I've been asked to post a few words of wisdom about this business aimed towards the younger, recently graduated, actor. So here they are:

1. You're lucky to be entering one of the most fun professions in the world.

2. You're unlucky to be entering one of the most frustrating professions in the world.

3. No matter how prepared you think you are for an audition/meeting/first day on set, trust me, you're not.

4. Never forget that this is a business.

5. This business is the acting business. It is not the Star & Fame business.


I don't mean to put people off becoming actors at all, because it's something that is exciting, vital, challenging and fun all at the same time and it means that I've been lucky enough to meet some remarkable people. And I hope to meet many more.

Talking to a lot of younger actors recently has made me aware that a large number of them seem reluctant to remember that this is a business. For example I was at BAFTA on Saturday just past and it was only the younger actors present who were embarrassed about having business cards and seemingly mortified at the prospect of handing them out.

Acting is a business. You are promoting yourself all the time. Every time you walk into an audition or casting, every time you are in rehearsals, on set, at a screening, a party, you are still an actor looking for his next job. Though if people think you're constantly looking to see what they can do for you then you'll get nowhere fast.

Networking, and that's what I'm talking about here, is much more about what you can do for them. Help other people make connections. Put investors and producers together. Listen out for castings that aren't for you and suggest actors for the roles. Either directly to the casting director or producer if you can or failing that then make sure that the casting is brought to the attention of the actor concerned. If you hear of a friend going in to see a casting director and you know something that may help, tell the friend. For example I know of a powerful casting director in London who seems to have a pathological dislike to coffee. And perfume. So, if you're called into see them, never wear perfume or aftershave, and if they offer you a drink, don't ask for coffee. Yes I know it's seemingly ridiculous but it's sometimes the small things that matter.

Talking of small things I turn now to business cards. Ah the minefield that is the Business Card. A few tips:

1. Don't skimp on the paper quality;

2. Have a picture (of you) on the card;

3. Put your professional name;

4. Remember your business card is public domain so think about phone numbers, email etc.

I know that some of the above seems counter intuitive but I shall explain. The paper quality, and size of the card itself, varies hugely. I've come unstuck using a very popular online card printing company whose paper stock just isn't as good as it could be. And they have non-standard card sizes which look odd. And cheap.

Why is this important? Well your business card is, literally, your calling card. If it's cheap and nasty then it doesn't suggest that you take yourself seriously as an actor. Likewise your headshot. Get a proper one done by a decent photographer who specialises in taking actors headshots. They are not the same as fashion or family portraits. And you find out who's good by asking around.

Make sure that your card has your headshot on it somewhere. When your card inevitably comes adrift from your hardcopy CV or headshot in the office of that powerful producer or casting director they'll still know exactly who you are if it's got your picture on it.

The public domain/safety issue is one that I've only just taken on board myself. My first few batches of cards listed my personal email and mobile phone number as well as those of my agent. Now I don't. I just list my name, my agent details and my spotlight number. It's enough. If any professional wants to find me they can with that information. I've already got the proofs in for the next batch and they just list my professional name and Spotlight number and nothing else though. Not even a picture. And yes I know that is a risk, and runs counter to my previous point but I'm convinced that if you think you're good enough then they will take the time to look and if they want you then they'll contact you.

Oh, about agents now. I can't tell you how many times I hear young actors lament that they haven't got an agent. How, if only they did, they'd have auditions for the Donmar/Royal Court/National Theatre/Next Big Thing on TV etc... I'm guessing that these actors think the agent's job is to get them work. Well here's a shock to the system but it really isn't the agent's job to get an actor work.

The agent, your agent, has a role which certainly touches on getting you work but that responsibility is yours alone. His (or hers) is to act as an intermediary in contract negotiations and to try to get you the best contract possible. Of course any agent worth his salt is going to be suggesting you to producers, casting directors etc and getting doors open for you, but it's your job to get the work. And to get the work you can't go easy on continuing the training that you get.

Even during the lean times, for there will be lean times, in fact especially during the lean times, do courses and classes to remain fresh. Every chance you have to sharpen your acting skills take it. Add accents to the mix. Learn a foreign language, a musical instrument, how to ride a horse, a motorbike. Something. Anything. Just learn. Widen your life experience, travel. Meet people. Talk to them but more importantly sit and listen to them. Observe. It's only by observing the minutiae of real people going about real life that we can hope to be real ourselves when we're a character.

Forgive my rambling thoughts this morning but I want to return to the agent topic a moment longer. I like, genuinely like, my agent. I enjoy being in their company. I like the sense of family that the actors on their books have. It's a big mutual support network and some of them have very rapidly become friends. I don't understand how an actor can work with an agent who they don't like, or even as someone mentioned last week, that they are scared of. The agent needs you to go out and earn or else they earn nothing. You need the agent to open doors, put you up for jobs and to negotiate contract terms for you so you both need the other. Such business relationships should be built on trust, equality, honesty. And of course it helps immensely if you actually do, genuinely, like each other.

Final two thoughts, when one job ends every actor thinks that they'll never work again so you're really not alone with that thought. And final, final thought, even with the business side, the endless rejection, the terrible pay, the doubt, worry, anxiety, etc it's still huge fun! Plays are called PLAYs. So do precisely that. Play and have fun. But hold on tight as you're definitely going to have a bumpy ride!

Rest assured

I want to assure you all that Actorvist will not become just another theatre review blog as some of you fear.

I am however going to share those reviews on here that I write elsewhere when I feel that there's something worth seeing (or avoiding) and hope to bring it to a wider audience by including it here.

Normal service will be resumed later today though with a blog about how my confidence gets sky-high after a random piece of good news or the promise of a decent carrot being dangled in front of me just slightly out of reach but close enough to be able to taste it only to have it come crashing down again when that hoped for phone call doesn't materialise. How I console myself with Burts Chips or some other delicious piece of comfort food! And don't get me started on the thoughts that run through my head when I see a huge long list of submissions from my agent and wonder why only a few people wanted to see me!

Now I'm off for little corporate role play so adieu!

Review: "Mr Happiness" & "The Water Engine" - Screening Room - Old Vic Tunnels

This double bill of David Mamet radio plays, translated here to the stage by the combination of a remarkable, atmospheric setting, an ensemble cast of extraordinary strength, versatility and talent, the clear directorial vision of director Kate McGregor and brought to life by the designs of Amy-Jane Cook (Water Engine) and Carla Goodman (Mr Happiness) has to be the current must see piece of theatre in London.

The only problem I have in reviewing this is deciding how to single out specific actors without making it seem like the ensemble is not the key here. Because it really is. They are the lifeblood, the sounds, the souls of what we cannot hope to have brought to life on this, or any, stage.

Mamet wrote these plays with 40 voices and 60 characters so there are few places and fewer companies that could tackle a cast like that without some imagination. And imagination is what you see on display here. From the way the sound effects are made live on stage to the way the images in the the head of Mr Happiness are brought to life it all just "works" like a well oiled machine.

Notwithstanding the strong ensemble there are a few stand out performances. David Burt, who manages to hold the audience in the palm of his hand both as the eponymous Mr Happiness, and also as Mr Oberman in The Water Engine has to be lauded for his performance in Mr Happiness. I have not seen an actor handle a monologue in such an enthralling manner in a long time. A delight to watch.

Other notable performances include Jamie Treacher who plays Charles Lang with an innocence and vulnerability and a palpable sense of hope that you can't help but empathise with when Life, and people, conspire against him. And for me the other most notable performance goes to Lee Drage for his Bernie who I found utterly engaging to watch on stage.

I realise that I've not "reviewed" this piece so much and I've more implored you to go and see it, well I don't want to tell you what happens in either of the two plays and I don't want to spoil the visual delight either. So trust me, if you like brave, bold, utterly entertaining theatre then go and see it. And yes, the theatre is tricky to find but hunt it down because what Theatre6 and MokitaGrit have produced here is an inventive, vital piece of theatre that deserves to be seen. So go and see it.

Sometimes we're faced with tough choices and I've had one to deal with this week already.

I write reviews for Remote Goat mainly so that I can get to see a lot of theatre for very little cost, but sometimes I wonder what that cost might actually be.

I'm not talking about my sanity here, but what I'm talking about is that I have to review what I experience and I can't help but wonder if posting a negative review, or even one with negative comments in an overall positive experience might prejudice future producers, directors and actor colleagues against working with me?

I know it shouldn't do so and that they should respect that I'm doing a job and would expect reviewers, even those who are friends, to review any production that I am in, and any performance that I give on stage or immortalise on film, an accurate and fair review. But there's a little tiny nagging voice of doubt at the back of my head that makes me hover long and hard in thought before hitting the "Submit Review" button when I've got copy waiting to go.

Where I have no hesitation at all in writing about poor performance are those times when a restaurant or private members club like Shoreditch House for example, or a retail outlet like Orange fall woefully short on service.

Picture the scene at Shoreditch House at Monday lunchtime. A smattering of people on the sun loungers pool side, the single swimmer in the pool calmly swimming lengths, perhaps ten members in the restaurant/bar indoors and a large number of staff who dutifully ignore members. I was there with a friend who is a long standing member and even they commented that the service on a Monday is "usually" a little slow but that waiting for almost an hour for drinks to arrive was taking the pee somewhat. There was even a staff member seemingly more interested in watering the plants, by hand with what appeared to be a jug of ice, than he was in taking beverage and food orders. I am fully aware that I now sound like a spoilt little thesp but I wouldn't have expected to wait for an hour to order drinks. This is in a venue that prides itself on service and style. Really? Still, I have to say I'd happily return and laze by the pool even if you have to wait hours for service just because the view of the City from that rooftop is magical.

And now to Orange. Let's set the scene... about 9 months ago I bought a Blackberry Curve 8520 on payg because, as an actor and writer it is important for me to have access to email and the web wherever I happen to be and also as an actor it's important to know what my monthly outgoings are. So far so simple...

After a period of weeks the phone started to slow up, lock up at times, do weird things like not recognise any of the music tracks that I'd synch'd to it via Blackberry Desktop. Eventually, after about 8 months of slowly deteriorating service on the phone I took it back to my local Orange shop. Which just so happens to be the one that I bought it from too. I explained that the phone was locking up, dropping wi-fi, generally misbehaving to the point where it would need rebooting a couple of times a day.

I was delighted to receive stunningly seemless customer service in store as the assistant agreed that what was wrong with my Blackberry was not acceptable. She also mentioned that it was one of a number of "known" issues with the Curve 8520. I arranged delivery of replacement handset for the next day and thought "well done Orange! Brilliant service!".

The replacement handset arrives and all is good. For a week. One week. 7 little days.. Until the handset locks. Again. And again. At the end of the week the replacement handset was regularly dropping calls, not playing tunes stored on it, and a number of times an hour I would see something like (and I paraphrase here) Application rim_messaging not working or Application rim_phone not working... and, as had previously happened, if I received a phone call whilst I was texting or emailing someone then the phone would lock up, it wouldn't show me who was calling, just would freeze. After perhaps as long as five minutes it would suddenly spring to life and reveal that it had opened every single app on the phone. Although not being a technically minded person I knew that this was not right. So I returned with the handset to my local Orange shop once again but this time seeking a refund or credit note and the ability to upgrade my handset by paying more money.

I can't tell you how shocked I was when the assistant in the shop said that I can't do that and that I was "stupid" to think that I could. I asked her to call customer services and after much protestation about me being "difficult" she did. Only to then argue with customer services about whether or not they would let me spend money in their shop. After about 40 minutes or so I gave up and tried emailing customer services. No reply. I searched online forums and found the email to the Executive Office and thought they'd reply. Nothing. So then I resorted to Twitter. I found the name to of the guy who does PR for Orange and sent him an open tweet. He responded by asking someone else to get in touch. They have. I have an email address which I've forwarded everything to and now I'm waiting for their reply. They've said they'll sort it all today but I've very little faith now in anything that Orange, or its staff, say.

I'll reserve judgement before heading off to 3 though. And I'll keep you all updated but I will return to more acting type themes once this "issue" has been resolved.